Want Internet speed? Go somewhere else.

Sure. Free markets my ampersand . . .

We can’t fix ourselves, but we can mourn ourselves

Along with John Stewart, the venerable parody publication The Onion knows how to get right into the rotten, bankrupt heart of some stories – as they’ve done in this case, pointing to the real horror of yet another gun massacre.

WASHINGTON—Americans across the nation confirmed today that, unfortunately, due to their extreme familiarity with the type of tragedy that occurred in a Colorado movie theater last night, they sadly know exactly how the events following the horrific shooting of 12 people will unfold.

While admitting they “absolutely hate” the fact they have this knowledge, the nation’s 300 million citizens told reporters they can pinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will be held, roughly how many people will attend, how many times the county sheriff will address the media in the coming weeks, and when the town-wide memorial service will be held.

Additionally, sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that some sort of video recording, written material, or disturbing photographs made by the shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or two.

“I hate to say it, but we as Americans are basically experts at this kind of thing by now,” said 45-year-old market analyst Jared Gerson, adding that the number of media images of Aurora, CO citizens crying and looking shocked is “pretty much right in line with where it usually is at this point.” “The calls not to politicize the tragedy should be starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrow the issue will have been politicized. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the shooter’s high school classmate is interviewed within 45 minutes. . . .

. . . “Oh, and here’s another thing I hate I know,” Brennen continued, “In exactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it never happened.

It goes on. In the same issue (today’s), they also bring us this story,

NRA: ‘Please Try To Remember All The Wonderful Things Guns Do For Us Every Day’

“While the events of last night are truly tragic, I sincerely hope that no one at any point forgets how truly terrific guns are, and how they enrich all of our lives on a regular basis,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, adding that the nation’s citizens must open up their hearts in this time of mourning and realize how simply unlivable a life without gun ownership would be.

Colbert Report won a Peabody!

The show got the award for its series of Super PAC segments. Good for them.

Wow. Jimmy Fallon is quite entertaining

He does a damn good Bowie. Here is “Tim Tebow to Jesus Christ”

 

Some gentle blog humor

Linda Holmes at NPR’s website had some fun yesterday, inventing 20 ficitonal commenters and their comments. They’re right on. Here are her “20 Unhappiest People You Meet in the Comments Sections of End of the Year Lists”:

1. The Poisoned. “The fact that you included Adele on this list of 100 things you like makes it a total joke.”

2. The Really Pretty Sure Person, Who Is Really Pretty Sure. “I’ve never seen Game Of Thrones, but I’m really pretty sure it’s not as good as Boardwalk Empire.”

3. The Person Who Is Exactly Right. “It really seems like this list of things you thought were good is just your opinion.”

4. The Surprisingly Lucid Narcoleptic. “ZZZZZZZZZ” is the classic. “SNORE” and “YAWN” are acceptable variants.

5. The Mother Of Tim “Freckles” Matterley. “There is a musician in Ann Arbor named Tim Matterley who is better than all these songs! You would like his music. He has a web site at FrecklesMatterley.com, and you can get his songs free on your computer! Please check out Tim Matterley, who does not have a big record contract YET but is very very good!!!!” Two comments later, she will often come back. “Also, Tim Matterley is in this YouTube video where he plays ‘Imagine’ at a children hospital. I am just one fan but I think he is great and he will go far!!!”

Gingrich, Grinch – Newt’s unfortunate name problem as Christmas approaches

Thanks to aFrankAngle for this gem. He dropped it in comments on the last post.

 

Does something sinister this way come?

Cute kittehs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cute kittehs everywhere. And they pretend they’re the ones being pushed around by the big bad humans, but I ask you – who’s really  in charge here?

(thanks friend Shep)

Herman Tyson – viral by tonight no doubt

Mike Tyson? Mike Tyson? Criminey, the guy is good!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

SNL. Still funny.

Here, perhaps the best Seth Myers rant ever. He has some fun with the Eurozone crisis and the Greek debt and wonders if the 17 countries of Europe can agree on how to solve the problems, when a unanimous vote is required:

Unanimous? I can’t get three friends to agree on a restaurant. Can you imagine how hard it would be if none of us spoke the same language and our grandparents killed each other in World War II?

 

The GOP slate sings

Not really. But The Capital Steps do it for them. Friend Jane sent this:

These guys are basically a performance troupe. (The videos come from Herbunk, who makes lots of cool stuff.) By the way, I’ ve seen The Steps on stage; they’re a hoot and not a bit partisan – it’s equal opportunity mockery for them.

Alec Baldwin? How much pain can Perry handle?

h/t Mac

 

 

If you missed the Sunday shows or give a damn . . .

The July 24 Bobblespeak Translations are up! Enjoy.

David Gregory and Bill Daley are serious

So how many abortions can you do for $8,000,000,000.00?

Glenn Beck’s blog, The Blaze, saw this story and found journalistic merit therein.  And of course they got all kerfuffle.

The Onion: Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex (in Kansas).

The ‘my-country-right-or-wrong’ folk will be offended

Well, who knew? I didn’t, but I suppose anyone under 50 did. Dennis Leary  sings. Herewith a tour de force, I’m An Asshole. (move right along to 2:11 for the good stuff)

When but on Sunday do you have the time to watch this?