BEST IRISH JOKE EVER

Dear Reader:  This joke is a bit dated, as one of the subjects is no longer amongst us. But even so, this remains the very best joke I ever heard (being Irish and all).

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. “Hallo, Mr. Hussein!”, a heavily accented voice said “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?” “Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Saddam paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!”, said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked. “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.” Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.”Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.” Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

51 responses to “BEST IRISH JOKE EVER

  1. Typical Texan

    Wow, Moe. That was funny! Here. I got one: How did the Latino man celebrate Black History Month? He screwed a white woman. awwhahahaha! Oh, and did you hear about the black woman who was in love with a white guy? Neither did I. AWWHAHA! What do you call a fat white woman wearing a strap-on, with her husband laying face down on the bed? White Mating. BWAHAHA!!! What do you call a White Woman with a White boyfriend? An Absolute Miracle. HA! What do you call a well endowed white man? A Liar. BWAHAHA!

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  2. No, Moe. I told like 5 jokes. How did the latino guy celebrate Black History Month?- He screwed a white woman. You don’t get that? Or, You hear about the black woman in love with a white guy?- Neither did I. You don’t get it?

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  3. I dunno, good question. I saw them online and thought they were a hoot.

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    • shortbuswonderkid

      Wow,
      Talk about making one’s home state look bad. Texas, I’m now putting you in the same catagory as Arkansas. Here is a suggestion, evolve. 🙂

      Like

  4. Ms. Holland,

    Don’t know if you’ve heard this one or will even like it, but I heard it at a Celtic Festival a few years back. This is as I recall it.

    ST. Peter came down to earth and spoke to Murphy, who was quite elderly.

    ” Murphy, you have been pretty good during your life, but you’ve done some bad things also and you must be punished. ”

    “St. Peter, am I going to die now and go to Hell?”

    ” No, no, you have a few years left and when you die, you are going to Heaven. But you will be ill during your last years. You have your choice of Altzheimers or Parkinson’s disease. ”

    After considering it for a few moments, Murphy said, ” I choose to have Parkinson’s. ”

    ST. Peter asked him why he chose Parkinson’s over Altzheimer’s.

    Murphy said, ” I would rather spill my pints than forget where I left them. “

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  5. Hey Moe, after reading this I remembered a joke as well! It goes like this:

    A man died and went to heaven. As the Pearly White Gates opened, St. Peter emerged holding a checklist. He checked off the man’s name and said; “Okay. Come on in.”

    As the man went into Heaven’s front foyer, he noticed that, hovering in all direction, were clocks as far as the eye can see. However, the clock hands all moved at different paces; some fast, some slow, and some not at all.

    Confused, he asked St Peter; “Hey, Petey! What’s with these weird clocks?”

    St Peter smiled and said; “Oh, those are Lie-Dials, something that God thought up. The clock hands move one second for each lie a specific person says. See this clock?” St Peter plucked two clock from the clouds, the hands on both read midnight. “This clock was for Mother Terresa, whom never lied once. And this one was for Abe Lincoln; it only moved four seconds.”

    The man said; “Huh. so where are Dick Cheney’s and Karl Rove’s fans?”

    To which St Peter replied; “Oh, those are in Jesus’ office. He says they make great fans.”

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  6. Loved it Moe, thanks for the heads up.

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  7. A german, an englishman, and an irishman were all seated around a campfire drinking whiskey. A fly came and landed in the germans glass, to which the german merely swated it away, saying, “I dunt vant joo!” Then a fly landed in the englishman’s glass, the englishman, disgusted, poured it out, despite the irishman’s protest. Then, a fly came and landed in the irishman’s whiskey. He saw the fly. He became enraged. He then picked the fly up, held it over the glass, and yelled, “Spit it out, ya wee bastard!!!”

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  8. A woman is going with her fiancee to his parent’s house to meet and have dinner with his parents. This is a very important night, and she wants to make a good impression – she even made some bean pies for the occasion, the parent’s favorite. They get to the house, and are having dinner – so far everything is going just fine. Then…disaster strikes. She knew she should not have had a slice of that bean pie before dinner! Before she can get up to excuse herself, *poot*. She turns white. She is so embarrased she wants to die. Just then, her boyfriend’s father looks down at the dog under the table, which just so happens to be conveniently situated under her feet, and says “Rosie, get out of here.” Whew! What relief she feels! The dog took the rap. She smiles to herself, and goes back to enjoying her dinner. Sometime later, it happened again. *poot* She begins to become embarressed all over, and is relieved to see the dog is still there. The man once again looks down disgustingly at the dog and says, “Rosie, beat it!” this time the woman is absolutely thrilled. She thinks to herself, “If I have to do it again, I will not hesitate.” Sure enough, it happens again. Same result. “Rosie, get out from under there!” As the dinner passes, this happens about 4 or 5 more times, and each time the man gets disgusted, and tells the dog to move. As the meal comes to an end, and they are all having their bean pie, she gets the biggest urge yet. This one is going to be a monster, she thought. But, seeing as how the dog was still at her feet, and the man had not ceased to blame the dog before, she decides to let it go. *TPPHHTTTOOOOHHHH* She smiles to herself in sweet relief. Just then, the man throws down his fork, stands up, again looks at the dog with disgust in his eyes, and says “For God’s sake Rosie, get out from under there before she shits on you!”

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  9. A man dies and goes to heaven. After he arrives, St. Peter begins to give him a tour of Paradise. As the are walking down the golden streets, they arrive at a synagogue. “This is where the jews worship Jehovah.”, St.Peter said. So the man looked around, and after he soaked it all in, they continued on there way.

    About another mile down the road, they come to a mosque. “This is where the muslims worship Allah.”, St. Peter said. So after they looked around a bit, they continued on the tour.

    About a mile down the golden road, they come upon a buiding. “This is where the atheists don’t worship anything.”, St. Peter said. So after looking around, they continue on down the golden road.

    About 5 miles down the golden road, they finally come to a church. “This is where the christians worship Jesus.”, St. Peter whispered. The man looked at St. Peter for a moment, and then whispered back, “Why are whispering?” St. Peter looked at the man and said, “Because christians believe that they are the only ones here.”

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  10. “Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!” =)

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  11. Unrepublican…Jews worship Jehovah? Don’t think so.

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  12. Hey, I have a lot of Irish blood coursing through my veins, I am completely put off by this joke. Not really, but it sounds tough doesn’t it 😉

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  13. Ya, it’s about perception.
    Regards
    Rahul Gandhi
    http://pressbrief.blog.co.uk/

    Like

  14. George Bush was sitting in the oval office one day watching some TV. Cheney walked in and shut the TV off and said, “George, I’ve got bad news. We lost three Brazilian soldiers in Iraq today.”

    Bush dropped his head into his hands, shook his head. Thought about it for a minute. “Dick?” He asked.

    “Yes George?”

    “How many exactly is a brazilian?”

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  15. Hello, this is actually a nice posting. You get my vote for THE BEST JOKE EVER | Whatever Works and also I am going to bookmark this blog now.

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  16. I had to give up jogging because my thighs kept rubbing together setting my pantyhose on fire.

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  17. It was George the Mailman’s last day. As he did his final rounds he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars. But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. She took him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him.

    She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. As George was truly satisified and as he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

    Curious, he asks the blonde..”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything,..but…what’s the dollar for?”

    “Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! give him a dollar!’..The breakfast part was my idea…”

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  18. Man walks into a bar and says to the barman, “my dogs a blacksmith”. Barman replies, “how do you work that out” He replies,”everytime I kick it in the bollox it makes a bolt for the door”

    Wife decided it was time to spice up her love life so bought some crutchless knickers. She put them on got dressed up in her sexy eveneningwear and sat on the sofa waiting for him to return home. He arrived poured himself a glass of wine and sat down opposite her to read the paper. After a few minutes he asked, ” are those crutchless knickers your wearing?” “Why yes they are darling”, she replied. “Thank god for that”, he said, “I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa”!!

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  19. They could do better

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  20. ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

    ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

    Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

    Like

  21. A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?” “Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

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  22. a horse walks into a bar the bartender says why the long face

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  23. got milk?

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  24. I do

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  25. have a t-shirt on that says life then go to a coner of a street and give people lemons

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  26. (Here is one I really like – from a favorite joke site of mine.)

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

    “What?” said the puzzled groom.

    “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

    “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

    “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

    “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

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  27. Okay, Moe. One last joke.

    There was this very big and strong man who lived up the street. His name was “Artie”. Artie was a little slow witted, but he was in love with a very pretty woman up the street, and he would do anything for her.

    One day, the woman comes to Artie and asks, “Do you love me, Artie?”

    “You know I love you.”, Artie replied.

    The woman responded, “Well, I need you to do something for me. My husband has left me and is living with another woman. I want you to go over to the woman’s house and murder them both – but it has to be clean, no blood or they may trace it to you. The last thing you want is their blood on you. You are strong, you can do it. Will you do it, Artie? We can be together if you do.”

    “You know I will do it. I will do anything for you.”, Artie replied.

    “Good.”, said the woman. “Here is a dollar for the bus. Come see me tomorrow once the deed is done.”

    So that night Artie rides the bus to the woman’s house, and sure enough, he kills them both by strangulation.

    The next morning, Artie is pounding on the woman’s door. When she opens it up, Artie is holding a newspaper and is very excited.

    “You told!”, Artie screams.

    “What? What are you talking about?”, the woman replied. “Why would I tell”

    “You told!”, Artie screamed again. “It’s right here in the newspaper!”

    “I didn’t see anything in today’s paper.”, the woman calmly replied.

    “No!”, Artie exclaimed. “It’s right here in the produce section!”

    “Artichokes two for a dollar.”

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  28. Busy, busy, busy.

    I am going to college and trying to get my undergraduate degree, and I find that I don’t have as much time as I used to have.

    I still shudder when I think of how stupid I used to be. I was new to blogging and really stank up your blog and I am embarrassed at the way I was.

    In any case, I guess I am doing fine. I do stop by often, although I rarely have anything to add – don’t know as much as you and your regulars. But I will make a point to post more :).

    Good to see all is well!

    Like

  29. I think part of where she’s going, is that we do a disservice to those who died and to those who survived when we focus solely on these types of pictures. Those who survived were forever scarred. They may have lived, they may have smiled, they tried to create an image that they were happy, but many of the survivors never accomplished that. Yes, there were moments like what you show above. But those moments shouldn’t overshadow the rest of the narrative. Yes, they can and should be included, but when we remember the holocaust, we have to remember the horror. It’s too easy for people to do this to each other again if we forget how bad it was.

    Like

  30. I assume someone has told the joke about it finally being proved that Jesus was Irish.

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