Tag Archives: The Onion

We can’t fix ourselves, but we can mourn ourselves

Along with John Stewart, the venerable parody publication The Onion knows how to get right into the rotten, bankrupt heart of some stories – as they’ve done in this case, pointing to the real horror of yet another gun massacre.

WASHINGTON—Americans across the nation confirmed today that, unfortunately, due to their extreme familiarity with the type of tragedy that occurred in a Colorado movie theater last night, they sadly know exactly how the events following the horrific shooting of 12 people will unfold.

While admitting they “absolutely hate” the fact they have this knowledge, the nation’s 300 million citizens told reporters they can pinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will be held, roughly how many people will attend, how many times the county sheriff will address the media in the coming weeks, and when the town-wide memorial service will be held.

Additionally, sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that some sort of video recording, written material, or disturbing photographs made by the shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or two.

“I hate to say it, but we as Americans are basically experts at this kind of thing by now,” said 45-year-old market analyst Jared Gerson, adding that the number of media images of Aurora, CO citizens crying and looking shocked is “pretty much right in line with where it usually is at this point.” “The calls not to politicize the tragedy should be starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrow the issue will have been politicized. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the shooter’s high school classmate is interviewed within 45 minutes. . . .

. . . “Oh, and here’s another thing I hate I know,” Brennen continued, “In exactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it never happened.

It goes on. In the same issue (today’s), they also bring us this story,

NRA: ‘Please Try To Remember All The Wonderful Things Guns Do For Us Every Day’

“While the events of last night are truly tragic, I sincerely hope that no one at any point forgets how truly terrific guns are, and how they enrich all of our lives on a regular basis,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, adding that the nation’s citizens must open up their hearts in this time of mourning and realize how simply unlivable a life without gun ownership would be.

So how many abortions can you do for $8,000,000,000.00?

Glenn Beck’s blog, The Blaze, saw this story and found journalistic merit therein.  And of course they got all kerfuffle.

The Onion: Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex (in Kansas).

Only The Onion

This made me laugh out loud.  Reminded me of an old Bob and Ray radio routine – “and now it’s time for our special guest, The Man Who Looks Like Ralph Bellamy! Welcome Mr. Shockley!”

Good morning. Some good news about news.

Per the NY Times this week, The Onion News Network is coming to TV. Yippeee! We’ve been needing a second fake news show because Jon Stewart can’t cover it all. And CNN doesn’t cover it period. So good good good. Unfortunately it will be aired on The Independent Film Channel, which limits the audience. Many of us will not be able to see it in real time, but their web site or Hulu will probably carry it.

“The Onion, the satirical news organization that broke the fake story that the smoke monster from “Lost” would receive its own spinoff series  . . . “

I wonder if it will air in Afghanistan where it is the 174th day of the ninth year of the War.

Why I love The Onion

Imagine this on CNN, hacked onto the network by such smart 14-year olds that even CNN’s top I.T. people couldn’t find a way to take it down. (h/t Andrew Sullivan) How sweet it would be.

(There’s a google ad first – about a 30 seconds.)

No one, apparently, cares

And that is a very good thing. Makes my day. The Onion has written a faux self-loathing op-ed – by Rush Limbaugh and about Rush Limbaugh. The headline:  “I Don’t Even Want to be Alive Anymore.” Typical Onion.

Today, the Onion story makes it to memeorandum.com, a political news aggregator and one I check often. As with most aggregators, it grabs the original story and links to all those sites htat have picked up on the original story or the basic subject matter.

For the first time ever, today, I see an original story without any relevant links. No one cared enough to write about it. Enough people read it at The Onion, but no one wrote about it afterward.

Heh. Heh.